This message was originally meant only for my parents, but I feel very strongly that I have learned important lessons that I want to share with everybody. Entonces…..
Let’s get personal.
I suppose it’s time that I briefly tell my story. Before the MTC, I kind of felt super depressed. I’m sure some of you could probably tell by my behavior. It was horrible. Honestly I didn’t want to leave my room for anything or anybody. I loved Nicole, but I honestly didn’t want to leave my room to hang out with her some nights. I loved my friends, but I felt the same way. It was absolutely horrible. I wasn’t sleeping well, so I was staying up until ungodly hours in an effort to wear myself out and sleep until 2 PM. In hindsight that probably made things worse.
But anyway. I was so worried that I was going to be 2 nights into the MTC and not sleep at all. i was so worried that I was going to start off my mission and already not be able to do anything because I was depressed and couldn’t sleep.
But jeez. I was so blessed. I was SO BLESSED. In the MTC.You wouldn’t believe it. I’ve never been happier in my life. Those 6 weeks literally changed my life. Honestly, I have never had such a strong testimony of the gospel and of the book of mormon and of just about everything until this moment. Right now I can honestly say and testify that I know these things are true and I know the Lord helps us when we need it and blesses us when we try. He is there, He cares about you, He cares about me. He cares about everybody. Honestly I keep sharing this but it is absolutely true. It is a MIRACLE. How much I have learned when it comes to español. Really. No, I’m not fluent. Yes, I make tons of mistakes. But I can communicate. I can understand and I can share complex ideas, yeah it takes me 5 minutes, but usually it takes people half a year.
And you might be thinking “Well jeez Matthais, why isn’t he blessing you with that right now? Why are you struggling so much right now?” and you know, honestly that thought has crossed my mind, but not for any longer than a second because I don’t feel abandoned. I don’t feel completely alone. I know I have someone here who understands and I know that maybe there is a lesson here that either I need to learn, or one of you needs to learn and maybe that’s the reason I felt that I needed to share this. But sincerely, I am struggling so hard right now. I think the feelings of depression are starting to come back, I’m feeling anxiety I’m pretty sure. Pretty sure because I’ve literallly never felt anything like this haha. But it’s this crazy feeling that at any moment, I am literally going to die, and I can’t sit still for more than 15 minutes without feeling like I’m suffocating.
Wow. How horrible right? The mission has absolutely ruined me. I’m anxious, a little depressed, and I lost 15 pounds in 3 weeks (That’s not a joke. I pray that that scale is wrong, but my mission president’s scale says I’m 15 pounds lighter). Thankfully they’re talking about sending me home for medical reasons, right?
No. I’m not thankful for this. This is honestly one of the most horrible things that I have heard this whole week. The moment when my mission president said to me “We don’t want you to be embarrassed if we need to send you home for medical reasons” and I could almost hear my heart break. I love this place. I love the people. I love what I’m doing and I love who I am slowly but surely becoming. Really that’s what I’ve learned the most here in México and in the MTC. It’s how to love. Everything. My situation. No matter what it is. The people, no matter who they are or how much they don’t love me. I love them.
And yet I’m miserable and anxious. If I’m doing everything right, why do I feel this way? The honest answer is I don’t know. I have no idea. But I do. Why isn’t the Lord blessing me like in the MTC? I don’t know. But in reality it doesn’t matter. Come what may, I’m going to try my best. If I am sent home for medical reasons I know that there was a reason for feeling this way. If I manage to push through this and come out on top then I know there was a reason I’m feeling this way. Most of all I want all of you to know that there is a reason I’m feeling this way and I want all of you who already knew my situation to know that and feel the comfort that I feel despite my inner turmoil and confusion. I know that whatever happens happens and I have consigned myself to the will of the Lord. I trust fully in His works and I know that this is all part of his plan for me.
Sorry that I don’t have any crazy stories for this week. We spent a lot of time travelling this week because we had a ton of meetings and I had a couple interviews. But here are some quick bullet points.
-Went to go do the work to get my visa, one of the workers was talking to me in some of the worst english I have ever heard and I had to kindly ask him to speak to me in spanish so that I could understand him
-Finally got to meet all the people who entered the mission at the same time as me. That was fun!
-I had my first confrontation with a missionary for the Jehovah’s witnesses. She really wanted to talk to me in English, but I would only reply to her in Spanish
Anyway, not a ton else! Here are some pictures though! I love you all!